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Conservative Political Commentary

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Lady Liberty

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Letter from an Iraqi Jail
posted by Tom

Mr. Paul Newman
Mr. Robert Redford
Mr. Michael Farrell
Mr. Edward Asner
Mr. Timothy Robbins & Ms. Susan Sarandon
Mr. & Mrs. Barbra Streisand
c/o The Celebrity Coalition to Free Mumia, Cure Global AIDS, Defeat George Bush, and Prevent DVD/CD Pirating
PO Box 1458
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Dear Friends of Islam, in the name of Allah, the Merciful, the Compassionate, and the Star Struck:

I have only just finished reading your response to my plea for justice, liberation, and some good American porn that I have not had access to since I was deposed by that spawn of Satan, that son of a thousand fathers, that thief of elections, that contemptible cowboy ruler of your country, George W. Bush, who offends the Great Allah and my Lord Mohammed, blessings and peace be upon them, by waging successful military campaigns against psychotic followers of the Religion of Peace. I am grateful that such wealthy American celebrities, many of you has-beens with little work and nothing better to do than presume to guide your country's foreign and domestic policy, are prepared to rally to my defense.

However, you state in your letter that you are concerned about my relationship with a brother in Islam, Usama Bin Laden, alleged by your so-called 9/11 Commission and that nest of vipers on Pennsylvania Avenue. May the Lord Mohammed, blessings and peace be upon him, strike them all with anal itching for which there is no ointment. You ask for assurances that I have never had any relationship with Bin Laden, who was wrongfully accused of attacks against your beloved land by those sons of the Devil, those defilers of the holy places and ammo dumps of Islam, George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld. May Allah enlarge their prostates to immense proportions for these lies. I understand you need this before you and various Communist entities will organize protests on college campuses, before you will sign letters to editors written by your administrative assistants, and before you will take the really big step and personally appear on The Today Show to plead my case with Katie Couric, whose televised colonoscopy touched me deeply, though not as deeply as it touched her, I’m sure. (Praise be to Allah that I can still make with the jokes after this diabolical imprisonment.)

Seriously, as much as I would like to honor your request, I am not quite sure exactly what you mean by a "relationship" with Bin Laden and what would be so wrong if one ever existed (not that it ever did exactly). You mention something in your letter about Bin Laden's association with a violent terrorist organization called "al-Qaeda" and ask whether or not I have ever dealt with them. This is no doubt another lie concocted by the unelected incubus controlling your government. I mean no disrespect, but I am surprised that such sophisticated artists have been so easily fooled by the dyslexic brother of Beelzebub.

The only Al Qaeda I know was a Muslim stand-up comedian who used to perform at birthday parties in the presidential palaces. He had a great shtick, as my Jewish friends say:

“Take my concubines, please.”

“Marriage is tough, let me tell you. My wife said, 'You never take me anywhere,' so I killed her.”

“I told my imam I was depressed and questioning my faith. He told me to take two infidels’ lives and call him at Ramadan.”

And so on.

But back to Bin Laden and any group or groups to which he may or may not belong. Before I was so cruelly imprisoned by the demon army of George Bush, I did hear a rumor that Bin Laden had started a PAC in your country, "Mujahadeen for Kerry/Edwards", but it is a relatively peaceful organization. As far as I know, he is associated with no anti-Zionist or anti-American groups and has committed no crimes, per se, certainly none as heinous as those alleged by your government’s bastard leaders. That being the case, there would be no problem with my having a relationship with him even if such a relationship ever existed (and I am not saying it did, but hypothetically speaking). But if it will make you feel more comfortable about defending me to your countrymen, then I swear upon the souls of my beloved sons and all of the other holy martyrs of Islam that (and you can’t see me now, but I’m pounding the table I’m sitting at as I type this) I did not have a relationship with Usama Bin Laden.

I won't say he's a complete stranger to me. Allah forbid I should engage in such falsehood. We have run into each other on occasion. Well, once, anyway. It was an MLA symposium in Rijad around 1989 or ’90, I think, right before my trouble with that first offspring of a jackal, the elder Bush. Bin Laden and I met at the wine and cheese reception following Susan Sontag’s presentation of her paper, “Beneath the Burqa: PMS, WMD, and the Feminization of Middle East Terrorism.” Usama and I agreed it was heavy stuff, as we say in critical circles, and that she had so effectively deconstructed Islamic patriarchy that neither one of us would ever be able to unselfconsciously torture a woman again. I remember he asked me if I preferred mustard or sarin gas when attacking villages and I said it depended on how big the village was, which way the wind was blowing, etc. Then I told him that I had heard from someone in the Saudi royal family (I forget who it was) that he was having kidney issues, so I asked him how he was dealing with that. "Cum se, cum sa," he said. That was it. Honest.

All right, he called me during one of those annoying air raids launched by your previous president, Bill Clinton. You remember, the ones that always seemed to coincide with some scandal or another he was going through? (My boys and I almost, as they say in your country, shit a brick when he was finally impeached. We thought for sure a full invasion was coming. Allah be praised that while he may have been in serious trouble, he was still a Democrat.) Usama said he saw the bombing on CNN, remembered our brief meeting in Rijad, and called to ask how I and the boys were holding up under the stress. I told him we were fine, but you know how kids are. Uday and Qusay got antsy after hiding out in the bunker for a couple of hours and couldn't wait to get out and stalk 13-year-old virgins. He laughed knowingly and told me to buck up, a cruise missile’s bark is worse than its bite, then hung up. That was the last I ever heard from him.

May Allah, the merciful and the compassionate, re-elect George W. Bush if I am not telling the truth.

I pray this will put to rest any doubts you may have as a result of these vile accusations. Two Islamic leaders like Bin Laden and me, even though we may share a deep, abiding hatred of the US, would never conspire in any way to attack our mutual enemy because, as many in your media have accurately reported, Usama Bin Laden is a fundamentalist and I am secular. We have different interpretations of the precepts of our Lord Mohammed, blessings and peace be upon him. For instance, Bin Laden believes we are commanded to kill all infidels, while I believe we should only kill infidel men, infidel women being useful for other things. (Hubba hubba. Allah be praised that I can laugh through my tears of oppression.)

In all seriousness, let me put it this way: If Bin Laden desperately wanted chemical or nuclear weapons with which to attack America and Iraq were the only Arab country to possess them, he would rather be caught eating a jumbo rack of pork ribs at the local Outback than accept such weapons from me. Hatred of the Great Satan only goes so far with these radical Islamicists, you know. Your liberal countrymen are correct to always put legal standards of evidence above common sense. Would that all Americans were as committed to justice, many of the problems between us would have ended a lot sooner.

I understand from your letter that you have another minor concern related to my plea for your organization's help. You state that my request may be a little premature as you usually only support cold blooded homicidal maniacs after they are convicted beyond a resonable doubt by a jury that has examined all of the relevant evidence. Only then will you seek their release on some silly procedural error or other technicality. After all, you rightly ask, what fun is there in seeing an innocent person let loose on society? I also realize you are more accustomed to advocating the release of mere cop killers, and that while someone accused of genocide and crimes against humanity is inviting in terms of publicity (which many of you desperately need), it is somewhat intimidating, too. I have no doubt you are up to the challenge. Because my Lord Mohammed, blessings and peace be upon him, stands with me, he will stand with you. I only hope you appreciate the urgency of my particular situation. In the parlance of your old gangster movies I love so much, they're dusting off the hot seat for me, guys. You need to start right away accusing the one who usurped Gore of violating my rights, flouting international law, giving tax breaks to the rich, etc. Whatever you can come up with to distract everyone from the mountain of evidence against me will be greatly appreciated.

Well, the guards are at my cell door, so I must be signing off. Soon, I will be standing before the illegitimate court convened by the new illegitimate government of Iraq and facing the music, as they say. I have to admit, though, that as bad as my confinement is, I have it a lot easier than the other Iraqi prisoners. I get to personally order the women's underwear the guards will put on my head from a Victoria's Secret catalogue, while my fellow prisoners must take whatever the female guards grab from their footlockers that morning. Rank hath its privileges, something I am sure all of you can appreciate.

Anyway, I look forward to your people calling my people. I am making another funny (praise be to Allah, I have a million of them). My people are all dead, in jail with me, or on the run. Seriously, I look forward to a response from you, preferably before I am executed.

Sincerely, your future fashionable cause,

Saddam Hussein

posted by Tom | 7/11/2004 11:21:00 AM
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