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Lady Liberty

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I lift my lamp beside the golden door.


Thursday, October 28, 2004

Damage Control
posted by Tom

Female Auto-Response Voice: Good morning and welcome to your Confidential DNC Conference Bridge. Please enter your conference code ... Thank you. Your conference call is already in progress. You are joining as a participant. If you would like your call to be translated into one of the following languages, press 4, then the following:

For Spanish, press 7
For Hip Hop, press 3, motherfucker.

For English, simply stay on the line. Thank you. If you need help during your conference, press zero for an operator.

Unidentified Voice #1: Hold on, Dan, I think the Senator just signed on?

Unidentified Voice #2: H-hello?

Unidentified Voice #1: Senator Kerry?

Kerry: Pinch?

Pinch: It’s about time.

Kerry: I apologize. Teresa simply would not write the check for the additional two million if I didn’t give her a foot massage. You know how it is.

Dan: Good morning, Senator.

Kerry: Hello, Dan.

Pinch: Senator, I told you we could only get that commercial shot on such short notice if we paid within 24 hours. Does that bimbo know how important this is?

Kerry: It was the last minute, Pinch, I mean, really …

Pinch: All right, never mind. It’s a moot point.

Kerry: Why?

Pinch: Well …

Kerry:: Yes?

Pinch: Look, there might be a problem with the story.

Kerry: Problem? Problem? What problem? We shot the commercial. It’s “in the can”, as they say in Hollywood. It’s going to be aired, for gosh Almighty’s sake. I thought the 60 Minutes piece was all set to go this Sunday. THE ELECTION IS NEXT TUESDAY! WHAT ARE YOU TELLING ME?!

Pinch: Senator, calm down. Dan?

Dan: You see, Senator, other news organizations, not to mention the rabid right wingers on talk radio and the web, have discovered all the flaws in the story that – and I mean no disrespect to you or Pinch – both of you said wouldn’t make a difference when we discussed running it in The Times the week before the election. They’ve uncovered the discrepancy in the timeline that we simply cannot rectify. They’ve identified our tainted UN source. And to make matters worse, reporters from rival networks that were imbedded with the 101st and the 3rd ID are more than suggesting the explosives were gone before any coalition troops reached the site.

Silence.

Dan: Senator?

Kerry: So? What’s the problem?

Pinch: What’s the problem?! Senator, have you gone goofy or what?

Kerry: Well, Jeez Louise, guys, I thought you were going to tell me they had conclusive proof that the explosives were removed before those morons got there.

Dan: Senator, if I may. Since there is a doubt, and based on your accusations of administration incompetence in your stump speeches, the burden is on us to show that the explosives were there when those units arrived.

Silence.

Pinch: Senator?

Kerry: It is? Why?

Pinch: What do you mean, why? You were a goddamned prosecutor …

Kerry: Briefly. Anyway, most of the defendants pled out …

Dan: It’s just the way things are done, Senator.

Kerry: Well, pardon me all to hell, but it’s not the way I do things. I’ve never done things that way. Why, no one in the Senate or the press demanded I do that in 1971 …

Pinch: Senator, I hate to break this to you, but this isn’t FREAKIN’ 1971 AND THE FREAKIN’ LIBERAL DEMOCRATS DON’T FREAKIN’ CONTROL EVERY FREAKIN’ THING ANY FREAKIN” MORE!

Kerry: Well, I must say, Pinch, you’ve got your nerve shouting after telling me to calm down. Do you know who I am?

Beep.

Pinch: Who the hell is that on the line?

Unidentified Voice: Hi!

Kerry: John?!

Dan: Senator Edwards?

Edwards: Hi!

Pinch: Who invited you?

Edwards: Hi!

Pinch: Who invited you?!

Edwards: Ah think it’s “whom” invited me, ain’t it?

Pinch: Don’t give me that down home cracker barrel bullshit.

Edwards: Well, kiss my ass and tell me how it tastes, Pinch, Ah am the vice-president in waitin', after all.

Pinch: You’re lucky the eastern establishment even gives you the time of day. If you weren’t a trial lawyer … What do you want?

Edwards: Well, heck ‘n tarnation there, Pinch, you Hebraic New Yorker, you. Ah was jus’ checkin’ in to see if Ah could help out with this missin’ explosives story.

Kerry: And you’re just in time, John, to hear about the problems with the explosives story our two brilliant advisers have just discovered.

Edwards: Problems? Nothin’ serious, Ah hope, John. I mean, hell and horse feathers, you done shot the commercial accusin’ Bush of havin’ lost ‘em.

John: Paid for it, too.

Edwards: Woo, doggie. I wouldn’t want to be the one to tell your wife a couple mill jus’ went out the winda. Good thing you don’t have to worry about sex anymore …

Pinch: Uh, excuse me, guys, but I’ve got a newspaper to run, so I’d like to clear this up as soon as possible.

Kerry: What is there to clear up? You ran the story. The commercial will air tonight.

Dan: If I may, Senator …

Edwards: Which one?

Pinch: The smart one.

Edwards: Oh, that's right. Ah'm the good lookin' one.

Pinch: Oh, shut up. And what’s with this “Senator, if I may” toe sucking obsequiousness, Dan?

Dan: Well, I was simply …

Pinch: Next we’ll be hearing your pious, “It’s important to recognize what is rumor and what is fact.” If you’ve got something to say, say it.

Kerry: And speaking of rumor and fact, why don’t we just provide a document that places the explosives at the site?

Edwards: Al Ca-ca. Heh, heh, heh.

Pinch: Oh, grow up.

Edwards: Daddy, Uday and Qusay went al Ca-Ca --

Kerry: John, knock it off.

Edwards [snickering]: Sorry.

Kerry: Well, Dan?

Dan: Well, what, Senator?

Kerry: Why don’t we just provide a document that places the explosives at the site at the right time?

Dan: We don’t possess any such document, Senator.

Kerry: Ahem, ahem.

Pinch: Senator, you know as well as I do that we played that card already.

Dan: Yes, Senator, if I -- I mean, we got away with it once. We’ll never get away with it twice.

Edwards: Well, hell, I mean, hush my puppies, guys.

Pinch: What is it?

Edwards: You got your IAEAUdayQusayEBayixnayontheourcesay, right? Can't be hard for 'im to gin somethin’ up. I mean, it ain’t like we’re talkin’ about discrepancies in fonts and all that other stuff that tripped up the last one. They got that there MS Word over there in that UN, don’t they? Those coloreds are advanced.

Kerry: Yes, Dan. Couldn’t we get some Negro administrative assistant, preferably a female, over at the UN to put something together for us? The Republicans wouldn’t dare challenge a Negro source for fear of offending the three our four Blacks who will vote for them on Tuesday.

Pinch: There’s still those blogger pricks to worry about.

Edwards: Well, cut my britches and call me shorty, Pinch, by the time their de-bunks make the rounds, the election’ll be over.

Silence.

Dan: Pinch?

Pinch: I just think that really puts our credibility on the line, Dan.

Edwards [snorts, coughs]: Sorry there, boys, my cappo-chino just went down the wrong pipe.

Kerry: I'll expect a decision by this afternoon, gentlemen. Call me in Florida --

Dan: Er, Senator Kerry?

Kerry: Yes?

Dan: The other problem is you've told supporters those explosives have been used against American troops.

Kerry [sighs]: What of it?

Dan: We've got no evidence of that, either. And there's no way the IAEA would know that, so we couldn't include that in any of our documentary evidence.

Pinch: Didn't think about that one, did you?

Silence.

Edwards: How 'bout a videotape.

Pinch: Of what?

Edwards: We got some a them there camel jockeys on the payroll, don't we, John? I mean, who we got workin' those mosques and - whatchamacallits - madsomethin' or others --

Kerry: Madrassas.

Edwards: Yeah, like in Illinois, registerin' those illegals.

Kerry: And?

Edwards: Get one a those guys, slap a hood on 'im, put an AK 47 in his hands and have 'im start talkin' on camera 'bout all those stolen munitions they're usin' against our boys.

Pinch: And girls.

Edwards: Yeah, right. Then that there Al Jazeeria gets the tape in the mail and --

Dan: QED.

Pich: Senator Edwards, my apologies. You're a genius.

Edwards: Aw, shucks, Pinch.

Kerry: Brilliant, John.

Edwards: Heh-heh-heh, shit and shinola, guys. Never underestimate the re-wards of a legal education.

Pinch: We'll get on this ASAP. Later.

Kerry: Keep me informed. Bye.

Edwards: Adios.

Dan: Courage.

Beep.

posted by Tom | 10/28/2004 09:37:00 AM
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