QUESTION: After the inauguration, what would be your first action as president?

Kerry: I will send to Congress a health care plan that stops spiraling costs, covers every child in America, and makes it possible for every American to get the same health care as any member of Congress.

(The tax bill will be mailed later. )

Kerry: The very first thing I will do, as soon as I’m sworn in as president – I’ll even begin the process before that, but I will not be empowered to do anything until I take office, is to convene an international conference, with the Europeans co-chairing, and the Arab countries co-chairing.

(And with the Americans wearing white gloves and serving soup.)

Kerry: The first thing John Kerry will do is fight his heart out to bring back the three million jobs that have been lost under George W. Bush.

(Can you get a medal for that?)

Kerry: The first thing I’d do is appoint an attorney general of the United States who’s obviously not John Ashcroft.

(That truly courageous decision narrows the field considerably. But, John, do you really feel comfortable boxing yourself in like that?)

Kerry: If elected, [my] first act as president of the United States would be an executive order reversing President Bush on embryonic stem cell research.

(So you can clone yourself from the undead!)

Kerry: [I] would immediately begin bilateral negotiations with North Korea -- a goal the Pyongyang government has long sought.

(When America and her trusted allies get rid of Saddam, it's "unilateral." When Kerry plans to cut our allies out of negotiations with North Korea, that's "bilateral." And when Kerry serves soup to the Europeans and Arabs, that's "multilateral.")

Kerry: The first thing I would do is get rid of the failed Bush economic policies and that means rolling back the tax cut.

(Why don't you have the guts to just come right out and say you're going to raise taxes?)

Kerry: [My] first act as commander in chief would be to add 40,000 troops to the Army's ranks of 480,000 active-duty soldiers.

(Forty-thousand Republican votes!)

Kerry: [My] first executive order [would be to] reverse the Mexico City policy on the gag rule so that we take a responsible position globally on family planning

(Let's spend our hard-earned dollars to enrich third-world abortionists.)

Kerry: The first thing I’ll do when I get into office is to issue an executive order pardoning you for anything you did on spring break!

(Raising taxes and granting pardons . . . sound familiar?)