At some point in every presidential election, every candidate claims that the contest is The Most Important Election of Our Lifetime.

Well, this year is no different, except that this year that claim can't be dismissed as overwrought campaign hyperbole. This election might very well be The Most Important Election of Our Lifetime.

I expect that most of you probably already have a pretty firmly set idea about why this election is so important. And I also have the feeling that, whether you're "fer it or agin it," your idea about what makes this election so important is exactly the same as mine.

But in case you're one of those undecided voters who still can't quite wrap your mind around what makes this election The Most Important Election of Our Lifetime, maybe this will help clarify your thinking.

As you know by now, moments after the close of the GOP convention last week, John Kerry gave a midnight speech to rebut that slandering, chickenhawk chimp from Texas. Demonstrating the clear vision with which he would lead us through the difficult days ahead, Mr. Kerry used the last five minutes of his candlelight address to explain in careful detail why he thinks this election is The Most Important Election of Our Lifetime.

As you read the following excerpt from John Kerry's midnight speech, pay close attention to his reason(s) for why this election is so important. There will be a short quiz later.

Kerry-Edwards
Post-Republican Convention Campaign Rally
9/2/2004: SPRINGFIELD, OH
transcript of last 5 minutes of Kerry speech;
(this excerpt starts at the 31st minute of the clip)

My friends, this quite simply, and it's not because I'm saying it to you, this is The Most Important Election of Our Lifetime. And the reason I dare to say that to you is because, the reason I say that to you is because, all over this country as John and I were travelling across the country by bus and by rail, you came out. You all stood out there at twelve thirty at night in some places. You hold signs. You're hoping for the America that we know we can be when we live up to our values and our ideals. And I'll tell ya, as we cross this great land of ours, John and I felt this incredible sense of responsibility and the spirit of our nation. We went through communities at twelve thirty at night, several thousand people. We were goin' through one little community, and, and people, I was leanin' over the side of the train shaking hands, and people were cheering and saying you, you gotta talk to us, and I saw this sign, and the sign said, "John, give us eight minutes, and we'll give ya eight years." I'm tellin' ya folks, you, you never saw, you never saw a train stop so fast. And I never knew I could stop a train so fast.

And then we went on from there, and, and, we came to this wonderful little crossing out in the desert--beautiful rocks and the sunset goin' down--and it just gives you the sense of the power of our country. And there standing by a railroad crossing, as we went through clickety-clack at whatever miles per hour, was one lone figure, standing there at attention holding the American flag and saluting the train as we went by, all by himself. That's America. That's what this country wants, is a hope for the future.

And I'll tell you another.

Two nights ago, a few nights ago, I was in Philadelphia, and I got introduced to this tussle-haired little kid, guy came up to about here on me, tiny little kid. But he showed me this picture. And it was a picture of him sittin' out in the street where he was during the summer with a sign and a table. At the table he had some bracelets, and the sign said, "Kerry for President." And this little six year old kid had gotten his nine year old brother to make the bracelets for 'em. And he was sellin' the bracelets. And this six year old kid came up to me with a tupperware container, handed it to me, with $680 to change America, to change America.

So for all of you here tonight, we got about 60 days, in the Most Important Election of a Lifetime, where everything you care about is on the line: your job, your healthcare, education, the capacity of our kids to be able to afford to go to college and get the skills they need to open the doors of opportunity, the ability of children to be safe after school, the ability of teachers to have a class size where they're actually able to teach, and not be punished by a system that is punitive. We need to respect education; we need to respect science; we need to reinvest in America, and when John Edwards and I are there, I'm tellin' you, we are going to fight every day, all day, for the middle class of America, to give a tax cut to the middle class of America, to make the workplace work for the middle class of America, to put America back to work.

And John and I know this, we know this: Every day of this campaign, if you'll do your part, because I'll tell you what, the outcome of this election is far more in your hands than it's in John's or mine. It's in your hands. If you'd go out there and do what, what, what, uh, little Willie Fields, six years old, did, if each of you will pick a number of people to talk to, and just talk common sense. Just tell 'em the truth. Just tell 'em there's nothing conservative about running up the biggest deficits in American history and piling debt on top of our children. Tell 'em! Tell' em that hope is there for America. Tell 'em that for the United States of America, because of who we are, the sun is rising if we get the right leadership that heads us in the right direction. Tell 'em that America's best days are ahead of us. And tell 'em that while some people may want to divide this country into the red states and blue states, not John Edwards and John Kerry. We want this to be one America, red, white, and blue. All of it working for all Americans. Let's go out and get the job done. Let's get back our own democracy in the United States. Thank you and God bless you all.

----QUIZ----

According to what John Kerry explained in his midnight speech, the 2004 presidential election is The Most Important Election Of Our Lifetime because:

• A) John Edwards and John Kerry have travelled all over this country by bus and train.


• B) You're hoping for the America that we know we can be when we live up to our values and our ideals, or something like that.


• C) At twelve thirty one morning, John Kerry saw a sign in the desert.


• D) John Kerry never knew he could stop a train so fast.


• E) There is a wonderful little place out in the desert with beautiful rocks, and when the sun is going down it gives you the sense of the power of our country, or something like that.


• F) A train goes "clickety-clack" at whatever miles per hour.


• G) It means an awful lot to a lonely guy at a railroad crossing who stands at attention holding a flag and salutes passing trains.


• H) John Kerry will tell you another.


• I) It means an awful lot to a tussle-headed six year old Philadelphia kid who gave John Kerry $680.


• J) Everything you care about is on the line.


• K) Your job is on the line.


• L) Your education is on the line.


• M) Your healthcare is on the line.


• N) Your kid's chance to learn the skills he needs to be a doorman is on the line.


• O) Gobs and gobs of other stuff is on the line.


• P) Teachers are being punished in a system that's punitive.


• Q) We need to reinvest in America, or something like that.


• R) John Kerry and John Edwards will fight all day.


• S) The middle class needs a tax cut, or something like that.


• T) The workplace does not work for the middle class to put America back to work, or something like that.


• U) If you pick a number of people to talk to, and just talk common sense, you can sell a lot of tupperware in Philadelphia.


• V) There's nothing conservative about piling debt on a tussle-headed six year old kid like that tussle-headed kid whose tussle-headed name John Kerry keeps forgetting, uh, uh, Willie Fields.


• W) We are engaged in a war that will determine whether we will live in freedom or in fear.


• X) The sun won't rise if we don't get the right leadership that heads us in the right direction, or something like that.


• Y) Red, white and blue are extremely hard-working middle class colors.


• Z) We have to get back our own democracy in the United States, or something like that.

The correct answer is posted in the sidebar announcements.

[NOTE: A reader has emailed me complaining that the speech excerpted above is not a very funny parody. That's true. It's not a parody, and it's not funny. But it is the actual transcript of the last five minutes of Kerry's midnight speech. I'm sorry Kerry's speech wasn't funny; it wouldn't be funny even if he weren't running for president. -- Adeimantus]