At the beginning of the 1981 NFL season, I made the inspired prediction that the San Francisco Forty-niners and the Cincinatti Bengals would play in the Superbowl. Alas, I failed to put even a single dollar down on my picks (who had both gone 6-10 the previous year), and nobody, and I do mean nobody, believes me now when I recount my amazing prescience.

To think: had I documented my picks I could be making a comfortable living even now pounding out Jeanne Dixon-esque predictions of rising ocean levels and world-wide plagues for the National Enquirer. I'll never miss that chance again. So, prepare yourself, folks, for Lostingotham's clairvoyant vision of the 2004 election:

Prediction # 1
George W. Bush will carry every single state he carried in 2000. Yes, that means Florida and that means New Hampshire. It also means Kerry will lose.

Prediction # 2
Bush will carry Pennsylvania by enough of a margin that the networks will call it by 11pm Eastern time. That will be the official signal for the barking moonbats to start whining about stolen elections.

Prediction # 3
Bush will carry both Iowa and Wisconsin.

Prediction #4
Bush will carry at least one of Michigan, Minnesota and New Jersey. I'm feeling very good psychic vibes for both the Garden State and the K-Car State.

Prediction #5
Bush will carry New Mexico by a hair.

Prediction #6
Bush will carry Hawaii

Prediction #7
Tom Daschle will be making Viagra ads when the Senate convenes next Spring.

Adeimantus's electoral tie scenarios are fascinating, but you won't need 'em this year. And on Wednesday when everyone at the water cooler is scratching their heads saying "whooda thunkit?" Remember: you heard it here first.

p.s. if anyone knows an editor of the National Enquirer, I'm available to predict floods, droughts, and other weather catastropes on a per diem basis. I also do birthday parties, bar-mitzvahs and corporate events.